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Oversexed at CPAC

9 Mar

Dredging up coverage of sex at CPAC is nothing new.  For years leftovers have been shocked, shocked!, that 23 year old gay guys, away from home in the big city at nice hotels with like minded people and a lot of booze go online to hook up with each other – which has led me for two years to post a spoof Craigslist ad:

 CPAC – m4m – 43 (National Harbor)

age : 43
Radical libertarian would like to tie up and abuse proglodyte and leftover journalists.

Boys who look like Sally Kohn or Chris Hayes who need to be tied up, slapped around and fucked.

Also any Rick Santorum supporters in the closet or younger versions of Lindsey Graham or John McCain.

Or if you are just a decent constitutionalist type, we can have regular non-hate sex, or even a drink.

Your place

    I thought I’d had an oversexed CPAC by Saturday morning – 

    On Friday at CPAC  the former Wonkette, Ana Marie Cox, flirted with me.  I had media credentials as a blogger and was sitting in the front row of the media section, when a cute, slim, strawberry blond woman asked to sit next to me, at a seat where I was charging my second IPad.  I was confused as to why she would need that seat, since I thought the rest of the row was empty (turned out people had left bags or laptops at every seat), so I quizzically said “Sure, I guess…” and Ms. Cox said “Oh, did you think I just wanted to sit by you?” not realizing I suppose that her gaydar is rather faulty.  Later, as I recorded the crowd reaction to Rand Paul’s speech with my other IPad, which is what she had swooped in to take notes on, she helpfully pointed out that my arm must be getting tired and C-Span would have it all recorded.  I don’t think it crossed her mind I wanted to record the crowd.  I started to take her photo but I just recorded a few seconds  of her in my Rand Paul video.  (I find leftovers often assume you are stupid and that they can explain to you how you might better use your time.)  Ms. Cox is famously, among other things, the gal who tittered with Maddow on her show about “teabaggers.”

    Then at dinner a libertarian conservative boy told me stories about his hilariously clueless youth not knowing women were coming onto him when they would do things like get into an elevator with him and tell him they weren’t wearing panties.  I have now collected enough silly sex stories like this, a fair portion from socially awkward libertarian boys, I may publish them as a paperback.

    Finally, a drunken grad student girl at the very classy, SCOTUS -adjacent Breitbart party on Capitol Hill (every tall, beautiful opinion commentator from FOX News, champagne flowing until 1 pm, a 10 piece band) gave me a vodka martini, climbed up on me, and ground her pudenda into my Johnson.

    So I felt that was a pretty sexualized day at CPAC.

    But then on Saturday I learned of Rainbow Beaver.  You might think this is something cooked up by Angela Keaton of Outright Libertarians at Libertopia, some wild libertarian lesbian rave.  It would be closer to say it’s the womens’ auxiliary of GOProud though, since the newly reconstituted, and somewhat more conservative (in its PR approach) GOProud was the target.

    Those lovely Catholic homophobe boys who wear red sashes at their booth at CPAC (perfect, I’d imagine, for tying up the wrists and ankles of your lover before pounding his manhole) were circulating a graphic depicting a malevolent rainbow beaver eating one of the legs of Ronald Reagan’s stool of conservatism: family values, free markets, and a strong military.  Rich Lowry of National Review went into the stool crap on the panel he shared with reason’s Katherine Mangu-Ward.

    Why do these idiot conservatives insist on this metaphor?  First of all, “stool” sounds like you are talking about unpleasant medical specimens.  Second, a stool has three legs and they often start talking about three stools.  Third, this is not conceptual thought – it’s like idiot Keynesians discussing how the economy is like a water balloon or a pump.  The three legs are in conflict they do not support each other – the conservative belief that only state engineered and approved families support the market economy is in conflict with the market economy.

    I’m beginning to think the rainbow beaver image isn’t about destroying the wood (calling Dr. Freud!) in the Reaganite stool – it’s fear of the libertarian porcupine.


    The Wonkers get excited about the prospect of censoring opponents

    8 Mar


    money to burnJames O’Keefe—the blonde bombshell who set the conservative world of hidden-camera YouTube movies ablaze—has just agreed to a $100,000 settlement to calm down the unjustly fired (and weirdly litigious about it) ACORN employee Juan Carlos Vera. According to a copy of the deal, obtained late last night by your wonkettes and viewable after the jump, O’Keefe has also agreed to ink an 11-word non-apology apology, that sources close to reality are calling “insincere” and “suuuuuuuch bullshit.”
    According to the final 5-page agreement, signed by O’Keefe and his legal counsel Mike Madigan this past Tuesday, the boy detective now publicly “regrets any pain suffered by Mr. Vera or his family.” O’Keefe and his counsel have also consented to fork over the $100,000 within 30 business days of the settlement agreement’s being signed.
    For the benefit of readers who are neither bitter and aggrieved former ACORN employees nor forum moderators at Democratic Underground, a short summary: ACORN was a community organizing group that became the locus of phantasmically baroque conspiracy theorizing in the build-up to the 2008 presidential election, first by the usual sad idiots, but inevitably by the seemingly rational journalists who must cover the sad idiots to pay their mortgages. ACORN attracted this negative attention, in part, because of its large and effective voter registration drives, which enfranchised record numbers of minority and low-income voters, who are demographically likely to vote for Democratic Party candidates. The sad idiots believed there was a collusion scheme between ACORN and a former employee of the group, who happened to be that year’s Democratic Presidential candidate: a ferocious IRA terrorist-sympathizer named Barrance Hussein O’Malley. In reality, ACORN’s decades-long campaigns to raise the minimum wage and their battles against predatory lenders had simply invited the animus of powerful business interests—who fund the media activities of sad idiots and rule the planet for like-minded reptilianoid pedophile Illuminatus from the 4th Dimension.
    Juan Carlos Vera worked at the National City offices of ACORN in California.
    In 2009, two twenty-something conservative activists, James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, hoped to expose criminal malfeasance at ACORN by filming Vera without his consent, themselves violating section 632 of the California penal code in the process. Vera sued both parties over this and the wild misrepresentation of his activities in the edited version of the undercover video, posted online. (Giles settled with Vera and his attorneys this summer.) The episode is a quintessential example of a wholly original term, which we have just coined: journalistic malpractice.
    But wait! “Those goldurned trial lawyers!” literally ALL OF YOU are swearing. “James is an honest man! He’s the president of a 501(c)3 nonprofit committed to modern-day muckraking! What kinda carpetbagging shakedown is this?!?!”
    Well, counterintuitively, this is a shakedown of all the delusional pensioners, mom-and-pop charitable givers and deranged millionaire philanthropists who have given to James O’Keefe’s Project Veritas and continue to donate.
    Since at least the spring of 2011, Veritas has contracted its fundraising efforts to the direct-mail marketing firm American Target Marketing. (atm!!! u guyz i just realized ha.) ATM’s founder and owner Richard Art Viguerie is literally on his fourth decade running the operation as an aggressively for-profit entity; it frequently nets more than half of the money raised for its nonprofit or political clients, to cover its own opaque “operational expenditures.” Even Marvin Lieberman—who employed Viguerie as an executive director of the equally sketchy student group Young Americans for Freedom in the 1960s—has gone on the record as saying Viguerie and his firm “rape the public.” Personally, your wonkettes are sick to our little stomachs awaiting the inevitable email blast from Project Veritas screaming, “We’re Under Attack! The Tort-Happy, Bloodsucking Lawyers And Liberal Media Vultures Are After Us … AGAIN!!!! Only That Money You Were Saving To Fix The Lincoln Towncar On Cinder Blocks In Your Front Yard Can SAVE AMERICA!!!! Abortion!!!”
    Still, as Vera’s attorney Gene Iredale suggested to us in a telephone interview, O’Keefe’s willingness to pay this exorbitant sum is, by itself, a tacit admission of guilt. The sum is $35,000 more than James received from Andrew Breitbart for his “life rights” based on the top-shelf (derp-derp) quality of the ACORN videos in the first place. So, a limited amount of justice has been served.
    It is also illuminating to know that O’Keefe and his handlers have determined that it was worth at least $100,000 to avoid publicly losing a court case, and thus further tarnishing the James O’Keefe “folk hero” fundraising brand with a guilty verdict directly related to sloppy journalism. If you do the math, this diversion of funds could have paid for two Project Veritas “investigations” on the scale of their seemingly never-ending Voter ID project last year.
    Yet, while the size of the payout is revealing of O’Keefe’s perceived further utility to the conservative movement, it also leaves many pertinent questions unanswered.
    Has representing James O’Keefe been the most embarrassing case for Mike Madigan since his stint on the old Clinton Whitewater investigation with Ken Starr? Or MORE embarrassing? Can Clark Hoyt, Zev Chafets and the New York Times Magazine suck a cold bag of dicks for legitimizing O’Keefe’s ACORN videos in “the paper of record” YEARS after they were discredited? What would YOU do with a $100,000 settlement?
    If we were awarded a $100,000 settlement, we’d take you people out to dinner, like, at the very least.